Why Survivors May Seek Sex Again With the Person Who Sexually Assaulted Them
Jessica Muñoz, LMHC | Sexual Trauma Therapist, New York4 min read · Sexual Trauma • Sexual Agency • EMDR
Transmuting Sexual Trauma Through Sexual Agency: Reclaiming Control and Rewriting the Narrative
There is a persistent misconception that experiencing sexual trauma should eliminate someone's desire for sex.In fact, quite the opposite can occur.Some survivors experience sexual avoidance following sexual assault. Others may experience increased sexual desire, seek more frequent sexual encounters, or explore their sexuality in ways they had not previously considered.Sexual trauma does not eliminate sexual agency, nor does increased sexual activity automatically indicate psychopathology.What Is Hypersexuality in Mental Health?The term hypersexuality has historically been used to describe sexual desire or behaviors considered excessive.But excessive according to whom?Having a high sex drive, enjoying frequent sex, or having multiple consensual partners does not constitute a mental health disorder.International diagnostic guidelines recognize compulsive sexual behavior disorder, involving persistent difficulty controlling sexual behavior over an extended period, accompanied by significant distress or impairment in daily functioning.When Sexual Behavior Is MisinterpretedIn my clinical experience reviewing women's psychiatric inpatient discharge summaries, I've encountered descriptions such as “hypersexual” or “found naked” alongside bipolar II diagnoses. Further exploration has sometimes revealed observations that were misunderstood or insufficiently contextualized.Were sexual trauma, altered mental states, cultural norms surrounding sexuality or nudity, and gender-based assumptions considered?In New York, there is no general statewide licensing mandate specifically requiring ongoing implicit-bias training and self-examination for emergency physicians, nurses, or psychiatrists - professionals who are often among the first to encounter sexual assault survivors in hospital emergency departments.A clinical record should distinguish what was observed from what was inferred.Transmuting Sexual Trauma: Reclaiming the NarrativeSexual assault involves a violation of bodily autonomy, consent, and control.For some survivors, subsequent consensual sexual experiences may represent an attempt to reclaim what was taken from them.A survivor may attempt to transmute the meaning of a nonconsensual sexual experience by replacing the narrative of powerlessness with new experiences defined by sexual control, choice, and pleasure.Why Lower-Stakes Sexual Encounters May Feel EasierFor people experiencing anxiety surrounding sex, whether linked to sexual trauma or other experiences, lower-stakes sexual encounters may feel easier to navigate.When sex and emotional intimacy are less closely intertwined, there may be less fear of rejection, judgment, or pressure to perform.This may involve seeking sex with someone they are not particularly attracted to, or even purchasing sexual services, where emotional expectations and vulnerability may feel more manageable.Sex with less emotional attachment can sometimes feel safer and more pleasurable precisely because there is less emotional vulnerability involved.This does not inherently indicate pathology or an inability to form intimate relationships.
Seeking Sex Again With the Person Who Caused Harm
Some survivors may seek subsequent sexual encounters with the person who previously assaulted or sexually coerced them.Importantly, many survivors do not immediately recognize that they have been raped, nor do they necessarily have the language to conceptualize sexual coercion or the psychological readiness to process the traumatic experience.Some survivors may remember what happened but lack the language or psychological readiness to recognize it as sexual assault. Others may experience fragmented or emotionally disconnected memories. During this time, a survivor may continue or reengage in a sexual relationship with the person who harmed them, without yet fully understanding what happened.For some, subsequent sexual encounters may represent an attempt to reclaim control or seek a different ending to an experience characterized by fear or powerlessness.Coercive control, sexual coercion, and fawning—an automatic survival response involving appeasement to maintain safety or connection—may also shape these encounters.Seeking subsequent sexual contact with the same person does not retroactively establish consent to a previous nonconsensual experience, nor does it invalidate the original sexual assault.“Manual Sex”: Arousal Nonconcordance and DissociationIn my clinical work, my clients and I have collectively developed the term “manual sex” to describe sexual experiences in which the body may respond physiologically while the person feels psychologically disconnected or mentally absent.Arousal nonconcordance describes a mismatch between physiological sexual responses and subjective arousal. A vagina can get wet or erection can occur without sexual desire or consent.Orgasm can also occur during rape.Dissociation may involve feeling detached from one's body or experiencing sexual activity as though operating on autopilot.A physiological sexual response does not establish consent. An orgasm does not invalidate sexual assault.When Sex Becomes Emotional NumbingTrauma-informed practice calls us to examine numbing or addictive behaviors as potential adaptive survival strategies.For some survivors, frequent sexual activity provides temporary relief from shame, intrusive memories, loneliness, or emotional distress.Sex can become a soothing blanket over painful emotions and memories.When relied upon primarily to escape distress, sexual behavior may reinforce avoidance. In some cases, it becomes compulsive, interfering with daily functioning.The amount of sex someone has does not, by itself, tell us whether the behavior is pathological.Reprocessing Sexual Trauma Through EMDREMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is an evidence-based psychotherapy that uses bilateral stimulation such as guided eye movements or alternating taps while processing distressing memories.Treatment addresses negative trauma-related beliefs, such as “I am powerless” or “It was my fault,” and installs more adaptive beliefs such as “I have choices now” or “I was not responsible.”EMDR does not require survivors to narrate every detail of their traumatic experience to the therapist.The survivor cannot change the fact that the assault occurred. But they can work toward changing their relationship with the memory, their beliefs about themselves, and the sexual narrative that follows.
The burden of conceptualizing sexual harm should never rest solely on the survivor.Accurate clinical assessment requires expertise from a therapist actively practicing in the field of sexual trauma.
As a New York-licensed mental health counselor actively providing evidence-based trauma psychotherapy five days a week, assessing the psychological impact of sexual violence, coercive control, and complex trauma responses is within my clinical scope of practice.I offer a free 15-minute phone consultation (we do a vibe check, discuss fit, fees, and next steps). Inquire about therapy here.
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“I endeavor to protect the raw, unedited voice of trauma — for that's where truth, justice, and healing live.”— Jessica Muñoz, LMHC
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Jessica Muñoz Therapy LLC